I typically spend a lot of time alone. I live alone, don’t socialize that much outside of work. I’m comfortable with that most of the time, and feel less anxiety.
But sometimes I get lonely, and usually that happens when I’m around a lot of people. A concert, a ball game, a party where I don’t know a lot of people. I feel lonely, or more certainly “alone”. And I feel like I will never have someone who loves me. Or why don’t I have more friends? Why don’t these people care to talk to me? Why did I leave the sanctuary of my home to come out and feel this way?
I used to daydream about being in love. I wanted to be someone’s muse, someone’s everything. I guess you can tell I grew up on fairy tales and rom coms. Now I’m 38 and I don’t know if you can even say I’ve been in a serious relationship. I’ve definitely been in love, of that I have no question. But my last relationship was 11 years of long-distance “dating”. I feel like I’ve missed so much of the little things I wanted in this life. I’ll never get to walk through the halls in high school, hand in hand with my boyfriend. I’ll never get to wear someone’s letterman jacket. I’ll never get kissed on the front porch with my parents waiting inside.
Those things are behind someone my age, and now I’m even seeing the future things fading away. I’m not going to have children, something I was never quite sure I wanted but once the choice is taken away I’m left to grieve. I’ll never get to be a young bride, if at all. All I ever wanted was to be in love and be loved, and I feel like I need to grieve for that life. I can barely remember what I wore yesterday, but I can remember moments from the past so vividly that I get a lump in my throat.
Sometimes I feel like I must have had an amazing love story in a previous life. One so powerful that they couldn’t possibly let me have another great love this time. Maybe I’m still grieving for that previous life, and that’s the real reason I need it so badly now.